没有希望就没有失望(No Hope means no Disappointments)

Friday. By all rights I should be happy and excited that the weekend is here. Yet I am sleepy and tired and I still have lots to take care of at work. I should be proud and relieved to have completed my first full project - Vue 8. And I should be thankful for my colleagues DR and DT, who stood by me like brothers when I absolutely had no legs to go on. Then I learnt today that DT is planning to go back to the Philippines to pursue his dream of being an architect. Frankly, I'm sad that he is leaving because he has been a real friend to me. But I do admire his drive and ambition, that which made me reflect upon my own lack of goals...

It was after dinner and I was with DR walking to the MRT station and having a bit of a chat. The conversation steered into a point whereby he jokingly asked me if I were disappointed because a particularly attractive executive from the client's office did not attend our morning meeting. I told him "没有希望就没有失望(No Hope means no Disappointments)" and that unexpected reply ended in a moment of awkward silence. I really wondered why I said that. What have I become? No hopes? No dreams? Nothing I want to do or achieve? No one I want to be with? That scares me. It is like I'm already dead. Perhaps, I'm overwhelmed by how fast my friends are progressing and have that crushing pressure to keep up? Or maybe I am compartmentalizing each damaged section of myself and focusing on repairing myself, piece by piece. Man, I'm tired now that the only thing that appeals to me is a nap on the MRT on my commute to work.