Distracted

This is one of those blog posts where I am just making up as I go. In fact, I just try to get some words out, and then figure out the title later.

I sit and think for a while. An awkward pause develops as I try to put my thoughts and feelings into words. I'm not sure what I feel. I would describe this as some amorphous thing of which gives me a hint of the familiar, but it is so mixed up that I do not recognize it. And so I reach for the familiar in an attempt to figure out what it is.

Am I sad? I do not think so. I haven't had anything to be sad about. I am clearly distracted. Like I can't be present in the moment of what I am doing. I am in Church but thinking about anything other than God. I'm sitting here trying to write something and my thoughts wander to a trip to the supermarket. Yeah, let's do that supermarket thing and get back to this writing later. I just felt a strange urge to get this done.

So I took a break from writing this blog post. While walking to the supermarket, I pause for a while to ask Claude what Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal is about (and why it keeps saying "Annie, are you okay?"). Another distraction! I finished my grocery and ended up using $20 worth of CDC vouchers on $17 worth of stuff and felt a bit foolish for doing so.

Through this reflection, I realized the word I was looking for was "distracted". I am not in the present at all. My mind is always somewhere else instead of where I am supposed to be and what I am supposed to be doing. I have been doom scrolling a lot lately. Another sign of a distracted mind. And then it hit me. I have always sought to be in harmony with the world I live in but I am not. Perhaps it is okay to drift sometimes, and allow yourself to be distracted. To just "be" without having to do anything. You are okay just as you are.