Another troubled day

Had myself another troubled day today. Being sick probably compounded it but still, the same 2 things are bothering me. Job and relationship. The job part, I'd probably refuse (they made it really easy) so that leaves me with the relationship. It is an utter pain marathon. I thought I could love someone without expecting anything back. Turns out to be a real struggle. Do I leave it and quit, or do I just do what feels right? I've been there before, decided to leave it but it hasn't left me. My feelings remain unchanged no matter how I try to mask them. It is like I had decided to leave but at the slightest nibble of hope, the mildest persuasion, if it gets to my ears that she isn't doing alright, then without hesitation, I come flying back. Then the hope dries up together with the tears, then I make plans to leave again. But at the slightest whisper, the heart yearns to turn back. Why is it such a bloody struggle for me? I'm bloody hitting 30 and still getting nowhere with anything. Is life all about enduring? Something so unpleasant that you need to put up with it till you die? Might be even worse for Christians and Catholics, you get everlasting life! How fucked is that?