What did I not get right?

Yup, judging by the title of this post, you don't need to be a genius to know that I ain't feeling too good. I was in frustration mode the whole damn day. Ironically was trying to get presents to work up Christmas cheer but there really is nothing to work at. So here I was, lugging my laptop from Bugis to Orchard. Fist clenched and angry. If the roadside insurance agent should harass me to buy a product, I would have asked if their company was interested in insuring suicide. My mental state is so disturbed that I can get much spirit into activity. It is just damn physical discipline, robotic, soulless, frustrating. An embodiment of me. That isn't what frustrates me most though. I am not certain what it is exactly but I will try to verbalize it so that I can see them more clearly. The first thing is my relationship (or lack of) with her. I'm not even allowed to say her name as it has so many implications, more for her than for me. I often tell myself that I should walk away from it all but love tells me to stay. Even if I am not loved in return. I am under no illusion as to what kind of girl she is. And I still I am here. Hoping that it will change. I realized that I had just contradicted myself in those lines but that is how my life is now; full of turmoil and contradictions and nothing makes much sense yesterday. I try to love her as a friend now but man, that is so "consolation prize". The next thing that is bothering me is that Trevor might make me an offer to work in Huhus again. Bothered? You have a chance to come back again, bro! But therein lies the contradiction. I dread it. I felt a lot of things were very badly managed there. I did get a few things wrong, but I also saved their asses lots. If I had the luxury of pride, I'd just say "no, thank you". I still remember being shouted down in front of my whole team. I don't want to work for them because the trust is eroded. How did a two year project become one? How many people have they let go since the management restructuring? Uncle Michael is trying his best to help me and that makes me feel even worse. This one is another big "I dunno". Will it be better being posted to China? Maybe. I just find it difficult to express here. Hey, there's only 2 things that are really bugging me! That is a surprise. It just feels so overwhelming. Okie, I'll just try my best to get on. Go to the gym, search for a job, work on my stuff etc. Still no answers to the heart questions though.