I am thinking of it again. Of how futile and useless my life really is. Yeah, this is a rant. I figured if I let it all out I might feel better. It has been a trying season where nothing has gone right for me. No job and I have to return to fucking New Zealand, where I don't even have a place to stay. And for what? To fulfill a residence requirement that I don't even want. My love life has been blown away in the winds and fucking Valentine's day was just there to rub salt into the wounds. I did nothing pleasurable yesterday. Basically felt like an idiot who kept loving the wrong people. I have had it. I feel like really cutting loose and destroying something. Life is just painful drudgery and then you die. And I don't think many people are going to miss me anyway. Religion? Please, I went to church today and I don't feel anything anymore. I just don't want to alarm my parents and subject myself to more hours of incessant nagging. C'mon, if you really loved me God, then maybe you should have kept me as dust. I have asked for the same bloody thing since I was 18 and still nothing has happened. Of course faith is believing even when times are tough but I have not the strength for this. I give up. I have been pummeled as life rains one blow after and other on me, so much and so often that I do not even bother to defend myself. I just take it, like a cheap dog, with a cheap life, until there if finally nothing left to beat... Somebody send a cruise missle my way please. I absolutely hate myself today. I NEED to get me some beers tonight...
I am thinking of it again. Of how futile and useless my life really is. Yeah, this is a rant. I figured if I let it all out I might feel better. It has been a trying season where nothing has gone right for me. No job and I have to return to fucking New Zealand, where I don't even have a place to stay. And for what? To fulfill a residence requirement that I don't even want. My love life has been blown away in the winds and fucking Valentine's day was just there to rub salt into the wounds. I did nothing pleasurable yesterday. Basically felt like an idiot who kept loving the wrong people. I have had it. I feel like really cutting loose and destroying something. Life is just painful drudgery and then you die. And I don't think many people are going to miss me anyway. Religion? Please, I went to church today and I don't feel anything anymore. I just don't want to alarm my parents and subject myself to more hours of incessant nagging. C'mon, if you really loved me God, then maybe you should have kept me as dust. I have asked for the same bloody thing since I was 18 and still nothing has happened. Of course faith is believing even when times are tough but I have not the strength for this. I give up. I have been pummeled as life rains one blow after and other on me, so much and so often that I do not even bother to defend myself. I just take it, like a cheap dog, with a cheap life, until there if finally nothing left to beat... Somebody send a cruise missle my way please. I absolutely hate myself today. I NEED to get me some beers tonight...
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