What exactly is my problem?
6 a.m. I'm feeling really troubled and that has kept me up. Feels like my whole life ain't going right. I generally have a really negative attitude towards life itself. Y'know, like it is really more trouble than it's worth. I find myself drawn to tv programs that feature a lot of pain and death, like I am a serial killer waiting to be unleashed (I sincerely hope not). Here's what I have been watching lately:
- Title unknown (Documentary about extremely well preserved Han Dynasty corpses)
- Machines of Malice (Documentary about how ancient torture devices worked. I even came up with my own; The victim stands on two cylindrical upright barrels and each ankle is secured to a barrel. The barrels rotate in opposite directions and CRAAAAACK! Everything below the knees are fucked.)
- Unexpected Access (Premiere episode features the funeral business)
- Kizu: The Untold Story (About a Japanese war unit that experimented heavily on the Chinese during WW2)
- Crime channel (Various murders)
Yeah, it's quite damn disturbing. Still, I hope this period of suffering will end soon, and that I will have much to look forward to. I do need to rest, meditate, pray, whatever it takes to help me focus again. I'm not functioning well at all. I used to be so resilient. A problem came, I sat down, figured it out and then confidently dealt with it. Not so now. I seem to have given up on a large part of living. I think everyone is seeking some sort of balance in their lives and constantly gauge themselves as in how "together" they really are. I am not "together" now. There are pieces of me everywhere. I basically need to rewire my mind, body and spirit so that I can live the way it is supposed to be. It's not going to be easy, but the reward should be worth it. I have rushed life too much in an attempt to get it right. Took too many shortcuts to happiness and none ever lasted. I need to be patient to get this to work. And I need to remind myself constantly of this.
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