Bursting shit balloons

Weather has gone nuts here. Morning and nights are freezing cold and mid day is a blazing desert. Decided to tuck myself in early last night in preparation of what must be a hard week ahead. Didn't work. Ended up wheezing away because the air was so cold. The weekend just withered away without much going on. I watched this Kiwi film called "Boy" in the cinema. Was about a Maori boy named "Boy", who likes Michael Jackson, expected a lot from his no-good father (jail+drunk+loser gang member+junkie) and well, I didn't get it at all. The plot was easy enough to understand. What I didn't get was why people were clapping when it ended. Wasn't too bad, had some interesting bits, but just didn't engage me the way it engaged the Kiwis. And so, I did a bit of shopping to cheer me up. Got a new pencil case with a whole load of zips. Got Red Alert 3 for my PS3 (Yeah, yeah slow adopter lah. People are now onto God of War 3 and I am still exploring last year's games. Could even be year before last but who cares, can still appreciate them). Yet with all that effort to cheer myself up, I still felt very empty and alone. Something in mid week triggered this melancholic episode. Somehow a wilting amber of my past relationship just reignited and burned through my being. Despite my best efforts to block her out of my life, the memories do return and somehow take a life of their own. Do I still love her? Yes. Can there be any future for us? Impossible. Yet on occasion I still come across something in a shop and think to myself "Hey, she would have loved that". Then I find myself quickly suppressing the thought. I used to hear stories of beautiful girls who were abused by their bastard boyfriends/husbands and wondered why they found it so difficult to leave their destructive partners. Well, now I can at least understand it a little. Rather, I understand it a lot. I did go to Mass this week. I would have skipped it but I would go just to make my parents happy. Yeah, yeah, they are in S'pore and I'm in NZ and I can just lie to them right? Well, can't bring myself to do that. I couldn't betray their trust and love. I am supposed to be a Catholic but now I seriously question my faith. All I hear about the clergy in the news now is how they were involved in or covered up crimes against kids. And of course there are good priests as well but I suppose it all boils down to faith, of which I have almost none left. Creatively, I'm so far away from my goals as well. I'm lucky in the way that I know what I would eventually like to be able to do. Yet I have a steep hill to climb. Progress is slow because I simply can't serve two masters. I can't do an 8 to 5 and then return to do another five hours. Already feel burnt out just thinking about it. How far away am I? I believe I have something to express but I still haven't the "voice" to say it. I am now working on my second concept 3D model. I will need 10 (of good standard) at least to bring my craft to the next level... Sounds like I just burst the proverbial shit balloon of life. Yet, I feel a bit better after just verbalizing the things that were getting me down. It is just like how throwing up makes you feel better after you do.