... ...

What a week it has been. It is one a.m. now and I can't sleep. I'd probably be tired tomorrow but can't do much about that now. My car isn't fixed yet so I had to trek to the supermarket with my backpack, fill it up with groceries, and then carry it back home. Kinda reminded me of NS days whereby you just carry stuff and walk long distances. It wasn't really good this week. My mood had sunk to depressive lows through the week and on certain days, I just wanted to fade into the atmosphere. I was really low on Monday but Jill took me out for a movie and beer to cheer me up. I was really touched by her kindness and I guess that I am lucky in a way that in any point in my life, I always had a friend to prop me up when I'm falling... I feel very directionless now (if there is even such a word). While I take responsibility for some of my failings, the way I just end up working for troubled companies is more or less just plain unlucky. Southern Star barely gets by. Huhus kinda collapsed. And now Creative Energy looks to be crashing as well. I really HATE the absentee boss model of management because that will just mean imminent collapse. At least Southern Star was well run during production time (off season is just rubbish). I am scheduled to fly to Hamilton to meet with boss/uncle next Wednesday. I don't know what to expect and how much he is willing to change to move the company forward but if things remain as they are, I will soon be out of a job. Heck, maybe I'll just return to Singapore but I know that will make me miserable. I do not know if I am quite right in the head now. There is a lot of fear and hesitation surrounding all my decisions (or lack of). I thought I could build a bit of stability from this job but it doesn't look like it is happening. It is like trying to cross a chasm and the flimsy bridge broke. And after struggling in the waters for some time, I got onto what must be a leaking rescue raft. Well, it is a good idea not to get to complacent in your job and keep hungry and looking all the time, which is what I suppose I am forced to do now. What I want to do I am not sure of even. I have printed off some online worksheets to help me define that more clearly (but I still haven't done them). I suppose they say all problem boil down to one of these; health, wealth and relationships. At least loosely defined, I am healthy in that I don't have a major illness or disability. Wealth? I'm trying. Relationships. I gave up. What a jolly mess eh? Again I feel like life is a relegation battle. Just loss after loss until the feeling of winning is forgotten. Dammit. I hope something gives and I get a lucky break soon. If ever there is something I can do to turn this around, I hope God inspires me to do it. I'm so sick of losing. I want my confidence back and I want to do what I love again.