Close my eyes and disappear...

It is a fairly nice day outside today. But I am feeling really tired. And unhappy. Over this past week, I had relatives coming to visit because of cousin Colin's wedding and it took a lot out of me. We missed the exchanging of the vows by the way, which was what we came for. All that driving around, entertaining, dinners and if there ever was a situation of "over-loved", then this is it. Just from last week, I drove more than 1000kms across the country and I think that took a toll on my car. It just broke down yesterday and I had to rely on Jill to take me and my visiting relatives around town. I spent the night at her place, which wasn't so bad because she had a nice spare bed and fireplace. Still, my car being down is like my legs taken from beneath me. I am very unmotivated at work today; I have a lot to do but it feels as if there is no point in doing it because the company is crashing. Not so much because we aren't a good business but because we are shooting ourselves in the foot too often. I feel as if I am trying to win all by myself, which is impossible. Not only that, the tactics are all flawed and work against me. I am really worried to lose my job because that would just throw me under the unemployment bus again. I just want to evaporate into nothingness here. More than anything, I do not see life as a gift; it is more like a chore that needs doing. I do want to see myself waking up excited about what I would do the next day but right now, just right now... the ground could open up and swallow me and I would not care. Now I know how it feels to be surviving and not living. I sincerely hope everyone is having a better time dealing with life than I am. Close my eyes. Deep breaths. There. For at least a few seconds, the world has vanished and it's problems gone. If only this peacefullness can last longer...