Regrets

4:30am. Still awake. Can't get to sleep because of this troubling episode at work today. Basically Jill had a go at me regarding professionalism and work ethic and it wasn't much of what the content was; what hurt was that it came from a friend. Had a high-handed lecture that I didn't need or deserve... All who have been following my blog would know that I am doing my best with whatever resources I am given. Sigh. Really, now all that I am in this job for is survival. I do not see any type of legacy to build or leave behind and even if I had one, it isn't something I would define myself by. Yet I find myself here, surviving for who knows what, constantly strangling that inner voice that tells me to fuck this job and do what I love. I suppose I have found myself having to fight out a depression and there is this spiritual darkness in my life as well. If I had to describe myself today, I would be a desert tumbleweed, rolling helplessly as the wind blows; everywhere is desolation and while still moving, are pretty much dead already. The strange thing is that as crushed as I am now, I do not have many regrets. And by regrets, I do not mean things that you wished could have a better outcome but were beyond your control. Sure I would like some relationships to have lasted longer, that I had better luck in the places I worked for but I have often found myself in circumstances beyond my control. For the things that I have done, I don't think I have regretted anything. I do not regret coming to NZ. I do not regret working in animation (I loved it) and I do not even regret being in this job because in truth, it is better than the kebab shop and I still have money going into the bank. I think like a gambler now. I have many losses in life and am hoping that God will just give me a lucky break to build upon, to energize what is a crumbling life. I've had few friends to support and encourage me to break through this seige of depression and right now I see very little hope and joy in life. I'm surviving and that is about it. My life isn't going to change overnight but I am at least going to try to change it. I have read that your locus of control and influence spreads when you take hold of whatever little thing you are in control of which is kinda what I am doing now. Right now, I am drawing again and running twice a week for a start and this week I will make it a point to visit Fabs (my Brazillian friend who has just moved to Welly from Auckland). As you see, I am not in control of much but hey, it's a start...