Sheltered by God

How am I feeling today? Before I answer, my thoughts lead me back to a men's devotional book that my uncle gave me a few years back. It is the first devotional in the book and it speaks of being a sheltered man. The idea of a "sheltered" man is that he knows that no matter what happens in the world, there is still a place of comfort and rest that he can be with God. I think that is a beautiful idea and one that I frequently go back to in times of personal crisis. I am merely a man who has failed time and again relying on my own strength and I continue to do so. And right now, I am there again.

I had a hard week last week. I am asked to step up in my job but I did not really do it all that well. I struggled with the work. I struggled with the people I needed to work with. And hell, I struggled with myself and my weariness. I was so stressed and tired that I seriously considered throwing the towel on this job and then move onto something else. I had a chat with dad and he told me to give it a little more time and I thought his advice was wise; I had been working there for merely 2 months and I gave up in the slightest sniff of trouble. I should really be trying harder, earning some money, getting driven and motivated...

And then I flash back to when I was an idealistic 25 years old. Good-looking, confident and I knew what I wanted of life (and was prepared to do the work to get it). Back then, I honestly thought I could build the kind of life I wanted - Nice family, wonderful job, spaceship house with a dog. Then I suppose there were a couple of setbacks - Huhu Studios contract ending prematurely, the break up, having to work in a shady Turkish cafe, the period of winter rash, bitchy office politics, Grandma's death. And then I had enough of NZ and decided to return home. Wasn't a triumphant return. It was more of a tail-between-legs kind of home-coming. And the Singapore that I had returned to was so very different from the one that I had left.

Friends mostly have their own families and/or work commitments and are difficult to meet up with. Most (if not all) have more money than I do and are probably paying for their HDB. And most are not alone. I know I wrote something about life being like an exam whereby you need to write a GP essay. Others already have a great idea as to what they want to do and have already gone about doing it. Me? I feel left behind and pressured to make up for lost time. But I do not have the inner peace or clarity of mind to see me through now.

The only answer is God. I have tried so hard by my own hand and time and again I have failed. I know a lot of people have great confidence in their own abilities and think I have gone a little nuts. They can keep their opinion. I need to feel sheltered so as to become an effective person again - no fear, no doubts, just a peaceful glide through the journey of life - with God to guide me and keep me safe.