Digging myself into a hole

I do not know why but I seem to like to put in a post on Monday mornings. I'm aching and drowsy. I have slept but I desire more - I would need to hop onto the train for that. Frankly, I feel jaded. Life tired. I have been here before (many times in fact) at various points in my adult life. ACJC, the army, NUS, New Zealand and now here. The feeling of just going through things without really caring, giving it "a go" but not really knowing what that accomplishes. Empty. I suppose that is the word I'd use to describe myself now. Empty. And I hate it. 

I thought of the happiness I would feel if a giant meteorite would streak into earth's atmosphere and blow it up. It is a rather selfish thought but that is what I thought. I haven't got much invested in this world and I'm more than happy for it to disappear in a giant fireball. No more suffering. No more stress. No more conflict. Only peace and quiet. It sounds psychotic but I'm just expressing myself here. Now that the bad thoughts and feelings have been laid out, no sense in dwelling on them any more.

Instead I look back on each of those points in my adult life where I had this feeling and can't help but feel that I have actually dug myself into a hole. Like a brilliant engineer who has dug a perfect hole and he has trapped himself in it. In times like those, I regret not being more positive. Looking at things from another perspective. Just keeping busy to shake the bad feelings. Trying something. Not just lying down and wallowing in self-pity. Every moment in life is an opportunity. I have spent too much of it looking at things negatively. I need to change. Now. I need to practise being happy.