Done?

Just like that, the long weekend is over. Not in a "time flies when having fun" way and more like a "what is it Monday ALREADY???" kind of way. I feel terrible. I wonder what I am doing (or not doing) in my life but I freaking feel out of control all the time. I feel like I need some time away but can't afford to. THIS is what life has been reduced to. Shackles of servitude just to survive - not a brilliant, thriving survival - but a sleep-disturbed tired survival that is steeped in hopelessness. I used to have my shit together and now it is just like I do not care. You put in X effort you get X - most of the time. I'm not sure that I even believe that now. I work my ass off just to put some money in the bank. Back in the day, I used to look at a classmate of mine who seemed to think a lot about things and eventually ended up with "paralysis by analysis". I used to think if this classmate of mind could just snap out of it and take some positive action about it, then it would all be better for said classmate... And now I am that classmate of mine. I know the answers but I do not believe that I can somehow determine the outcome through those actions. Yes, I am filled with self-doubt and my confidence has more holes than spongebob. I wonder if I'm "done". Some people survive a challenge and come back stronger than ever - Others? Well, sometimes they are just "done", like the light in their eyes is gone. I sure hope I ain't that way but maybe I am. I have measured myself in terms of mind, body and spirit and really, I'm defeated in each of those areas. I have never been at the bottom of the pack and had this easy confidence that all would be well. Now, that is where I am - rock bottom and I really am just going through the motions. Dear Lord, I wished I would wake up dead tomorrow. There, I said it. Probably won't happen but this is exactly how I feel. This is indeed a very selfish thing to think (how do u think mum is gonna take that?) but right now, I'm so fucking tired of living. Really am. Can't think of one thing that I'd still like to do (that I still could). Perhaps I am really "done". The best thing for me is to never wake up tomorrow and man, that would be real peaceful for me.