What would you do today?

Living 3 decades is just enough time to know something - that where you are now ain't a result of the choices you made yesterday, but more of an accumulation of the choices that you made everyday for the past several years. Some choices have more impact than others and can be considered "pivotal". For example, I'm in a career rut now because I decided to study Industrial Design in NUS. This is bloody 10 years ago but the snowballing effect is still affecting me now. It isn't that I regret pursuing the subject of Industrial Design. It is just that the course in NUS was not good enough in terms of preparing students for industry. The lack of fundamental skill was glaring. And the lack of available jobs made it extremely difficult to get one. My ID class was a pretty smart bunch. Apart from Joe (who learnt a lot of the basics of rendering and expressing design on his own), I can say no one else managed to practice Industrial Design - At least not for an extended period. Either the pay was too low, or there weren't enough jobs to go around. Of course, some broke the trend and went on to other things. Some of those things were better. Jan and Dianne both managed to carve out careers in finance and merchandising respectively and own their own homes now. The rest are teaching or doing something else. So why have 10 years past and I am still at the bottom of the ladder? Here is a brief history of events:

1. The beginning of the fall: Joined up with NUS ID. Didn't research what jobs were available in the market upon graduation. Just assumed I was smart enough to fight through regardless.

2. Graduating: Was really bitter about the course upon graduation. Feel that the ghosts of that past are still haunting me today. Since I could not get a job. Mum told me to get some training. Signed up for a 3D course with 3D Sense and eventually got work with Southern Star.

3. Southern Star: These were the years I was really thriving. I enjoyed what I did immensely and I believed in myself. I had a few frustrations along the way but overall it was an experience I was proud of. I made good friends there, many I still talk to today.

4. Huhus: This was the opportunity lost for me. I was put up on a throne that was too high for me. Instead of going in as a supervisor, I should have gone in as an animator, and worked on the side to develop my fundamental modeling and 3D skills. I lost a lot there. Perhaps it was more like a case of losing things that I did not earn.

5. Creative Energy: This was my grand experiment of wasted youth. I took a job for the sake of it and became much worse than before. I took it because I felt that it was more stable and with that stability, I could do what I wanted on the side. Didn't work out at all. I was always looking back at what I should be doing and I did not feel real. I took this as my tour of duty learning about businesses. Eventually I could not bear the pointlessness of it all. I left NZ and returned to Singapore. I returned and was almost 80kg - Fat, unfit and depressed.

6. CGP Zbrush Masterclass: This I do not regret. It got me to some level of stability and it built me a skill that I think I will use throughout my life. I was always a creator.

7. Digital Mirage: Close and yet so far. I thought I would be great at this job. And for some aspects, I was. Yet, the constant ass-covering, chasing for things, and blame shifting really burnt me out. And now here I am...

Here I am, trying to rebuild my life. Here I am, trying to be fitter. Here I am trying to recover the good parts of my life that I lost (with a decreasing level of energy, and fighting to make use of whatever fading youth I have left). Here I am, trying to get a job that will nurture my soul and my skills, while providing a living. Here I am, for what I would do today, for a series of days, months, or years, will become the "me" that I want to be.