When doubt seeps in

Lately I have been doubting myself a lot. I'm thinking of my goal and I think it may be a bit weak. I want to create SOMETHING that will make SOMEONE happy. You know, the kind of feeling you get while opening a new toy on Christmas morning. And it has been tough. I'm not sure what that something is yet. I know that I have made sacrifices to be true to myself but I am suffering a lot for my choices and am not being rewarded for it. I feel ashamed when standing next to my peers, to see the wealth they have amassed for themselves. I see their happy lives, with their happy families, going on vacations to exotic countries. If I am fully honest with myself, yes, I do want some of that. I want my own wealth, to create my own rules. I want to have that great woman by my side, who will love me no matter what. I want to be respected. Today, I no longer stand equal to them. And I am eternally worried that I may never keep up. But there is another truth to it.

The other truth is that there is no one as stubborn as I am. So doggedly determined not to compromise that he is in this shit state because he wanted to be authentic. The truth is that as long as I keep moving and keep improving, I will do it one day. It can be done. I have done it before. I just worked hard. Here is a story I might not have told anyone before. In my 3rd year in GESS, I was kind of a middle of the pack guy. I wasn't fast or anything. Then I may a choice. Every time during PE, I would tell myself "This guy ain't as good as me, I could take him" and you know what? I did. I remember beating 2 of those guys who were always faster than me in the first year. I beat a lot of them. And then, by the time I reached JC, running was never an issue for me. 

So what is the point of this tale? Several I suppose. The first is that any guy who is faster or better than you now can be slower than you in the future. As long as I keep running, keep dreaming, I will get to a point where this will not be a problem for me again. The momentum will just push itself. The 2nd is this. I did not aim for the fastest guy in the pack. I aimed to just beat the best that I thought I could at that present time. That pushed me hard because I knew it was definitely attainable, and it created natural results by itself. If I were to try to catch the fastest guy, I would have probably burnt out and gave up because it would have looked desperately unattainable. And even if I did not give up, I would probably move slowly (and in my own mind) so that I could "catch him with that last burst" in the end. If I had centuries, sure. Maybe I would catch him. But I do not, and I may never catch him (I didn't catch the fastest guys but I was in the top 10). Point is, if you look too far ahead, you lose the joy of competition, and you burn out. Kind of like what you are now.