The broken machine

I have been thinking a lot lately. Being unemployed does that to you. A big, hunking STOP button has been pressed, and the entire factory of life comes to a halt. The machinery is broken and you are waiting for the crucial part to arrive. For how long? I do not know. 

The initial reaction is strangely one of optimism - "Hey, just keep positive and try to make best use of down time. Maybe the machine isn't THAT broken." Then days pass, and then weeks, and then months. It sinks in that the machinery isn't coming back on. You examine the machinery again and think - "Maybe if I cleaned up all the gunk and soot, it will look good again (and work good again)?" You clean and oil the parts and still, nothing happens. "Maybe there is something here that I missed. I know, I will ask my friends". You lean on your friends for advice. Some are helpful, they say things like "Look, your machine could use a little tuning. After you have tuned it, look for X, they could have the part you need." Others are not so helpful. They say unhelpful things like "Well, you've got to be REALISTIC." and "Wow tough, your machine ain't looking too good". The parents are the worst "Look at what a useless machine you have! YOU are useless too (for choosing such a machine)! Why don't you get one of those machines that WORK, look at so-and-so's machine, it works great don't it?"At this point, I just sigh under my breath "Their machines are great and I am happy for them. But what they make won't make me happy..."

Patiently, you wait for the part to come. The part that fixes your machine. The part that makes it run again. If it doesn't make sense to anyone else, it makes perfect sense to you - Get the DAMN part and the machine runs again. So you do your best to find a good part. Each day, you send your "machine specs" to the appropriate part vendors. You take time to spec it properly - flexible in accepting any parts that will fit your machine, but rejecting any parts that look destined for failure. This is a time-consuming process. You must make sure that the part vendors understand your spec document, but also, they must understand the value that they can get from you if they provide the part to you. Seller's market. So each day, realistically, you should on average send one "machine spec"out to one potential vendor. 

Then comes the waiting and doubt part...

"Maybe my machine spec isn't clear?"

"Maybe the vendor didn't read it?"

"Maybe your machine sucks?"

"Maybe YOU suck?"

"Maybe I have the wrong machine?"

"Maybe I should put some money towards enhancing this machine?"

"Maybe I should wait for the part to arrive first. THEN if it runs well, I'll enhance my machine?"

"Why wait? You've got time now and this is the best time to do it!"

"But what of the cost??? I'm already not making anything now!!!"

"Maybe you should finish the projects that you have started?"

"Maybe there isn't a point in finishing them?"

"Should I even fix this machine?"

"Should I spend so much time looking for this unicorn machine part?"

"Why not just use another machine?"

"How do I use this other machine?"

... ...

Yes, you can see that there are a lot of doubts. A lot of doubts and difficult questions to grapple with, and perhaps without the quiet in my mind, I will never be able to focus on solving them.