A drop of joy in an ocean of sighs

 

Hey, it is the first day of March and I'm back here with my blog again. Perhaps I can write freely here because I do not imagine anyone will ever read it. Well, as free as someone as private as me would allow. As I contemplate on my own troubles and disappointments, they feel like luxuries compared to some of the other problems people are facing today. Two things come to mind. The first are the people of Ukraine, who are fighting for their lives against a Russian war monster. The other, a little closer to home, is a friend who is having troubles navigating his career path.

And then there is me. Holding onto some hope I most likely manufactured for myself, and then hurting when that flimsy construct shatters. I can't blame anyone, not even myself. I just hoped to matter more to someone I had fallen hard for. I know. That is a ridiculous burden to impose on someone and it probably isn't a very rational thing to do. 

I imagined a lonely bus stop, where I'm the only one left. I have been there so long that I do not even know if I am still waiting for my ride out, or if I should just accept that living in that bus stop is where I should be. Then a bus comes. It slows and I pack my things. As I move towards the bus, the doors close dispassionately in my face. The bus moves off and I am left there again. Alone. This is "one-step" time again.

I guess it will be more constructive to be less of a victim. I can still help others and be of some value somewhere. Still, I need to acknowledge my feelings and perhaps maybe even find the drops of joy in this ocean of sighs.