Insecurities

It is Monday again today. I'm not sure how to describe how I'm feeling now; I am well but then I am troubled. I am back to feeling vulnerable and I can feel my emotional defenses go into overdrive. I wish I was free and relaxed but my soul feels encumbered by a tangle of heavy chains that I must drag with me everywhere I go.

Being a terrifying thing to confront, I'm not too sure why I wanted to talk about my insecurities here. Maybe putting them down will park them somewhere so they won't be so distracting in my day-to-day life? Who knows?

1. Being short - I think this thing has been with me all my life. As much as I have tried to overcome this, it always comes back in my face. Oh how I wish I was just a bit taller and I often wonder how life will be different for me if it were so. Who wants to be the last to be picked for pick-up basketball (even if you were the better player)? Who wants to be the hobbit in every social meeting? Who wants to stand in the front row for group photos all the time? Who wants to look at girls in high heels with a touch of paranoia? Who wants to have their nose at someone's armpit level in the train. It is no wonder that short people have this hidden rage inside them. Still, it isn't too bad if you don't need to stand next to other people.
   
2. Bald spot - I have a growing bald spot and I am conscious about it. Most people have one or two spots where the hair sprouts from. I have three. If they all start losing at the same time, then the effect is tripled. I don't like being photographed from the back for that reason. But hey, if it is at the back of your head, you don't have to see it right?
3. Being single - This one haunts me the most. It is perhaps my greatest insecurity. I fear no one will love me for who I am and that I will likely live out my days alone. I know I know, it isn't the worst thing to be by yourself and honestly, as an introvert, I appreciate alone time (just not always). It is better than being in a toxic relationship but I do struggle with this. Now that I'm over the 40 hump you start to wonder if it is all over. I wonder if I ever really had a chance before and blew it, or was it that I never had a chance to begin with.
4. Being unemployed - I guess I am not unemployed now but this one does creep up on me from time to time.
   

Well, there is the list. Feels surprisingly normal and human to me. Perhaps the lesson here is to be grateful for what you have. Yes, life has its challenges but there are people who have much larger crosses to bear. I should focus on what I can do, rather than what I lack. It is so much more empowering.

 

Oh, that is a picture of my new Lego set. I'm trying to love myself despite not being perfect all the time.