Christmas Day - A deep sadness

I feel a deep sadness today and a heaviness of heart but also sense of catharsis. I finally have confirmation of something I have always known all along. Being Christmas, it is supposed to be a joyous day but there seems to be none for me. Rationally, I already know what I should do and have already done it. Emotionally though, it hits me like a sledgehammer. Processing emotions is probably something I'm terrible at so I just have to stumble/crash through this. I would like to believe that deep down I will eventually find my place of peace but I'm a restless mess now. I wonder if loneliness is something I will eventually get used to, or if someone will really love me just as I am. I guess it is liberating to just give up on this whole idea but I think I still hope for lightning to strike. Right now, I feel I'm just not good enough and I'm past my time. And even at my prime, I wasn't good enough.