Why am I going ape?

I sit here now and I am tired. It is mid day and I am mentally exhausted. I tried to rest a bit but I couldn't sleep. Something is clearly frustrating and bothering me, but I can't pin it down. Instead I default to my ape self, feeling anxious and threatened, and reacting in an unproductive irrational way. I am hoping that by putting my thoughts here, at least I am trying to articulate why I have gotten this way. In some way, this is my self-therapy - I just don't think going to someone else and expecting them to solve my problems is going to work. Not for me anyway. Not the way I am.

So here I am asking myself some questions:

1. What is bothering you?

Mainly work. I feel that there is just too much of it and I have gone to a negative place in my struggle to deal with it. It seems like there is too much to handle, and I do not feel secure in my ability to handle it. I feel I'm weak. I feel that I am not good enough. Not smart enough. I feel I am always in survival mode. I feel like a mouse that has just caught a glimpse of a huge cat walk by. I haven't made a catastrophic mistake yet but it always feels that it will happen soon. Increasingly, it feels that the fights get harder, and the energy levels decrease. I have also had thoughts that maybe this isn't what I am meant to do, and perhaps I am not really wanted here. But where can I go if not here? That is perhaps what is eating me.

I suppose the other thing that I struggle with is that on and off, I sometimes feel lonely and hopeless. I feel like it might not really matter at all if I woke up tomorrow. And yet, I somehow am here.

2. How are you reacting to these things?

Badly. I default to chimp mode when stressed and I become panicked, irrational, pessimistic and start to really doubt myself. I cannot think clearly and eventually, the situation gets worse because I am doing things impulsively and not doing the most important things.

3. WHY are you reacting this way?

I suppose there are just too many things that I have on hand that are collectively too much to handle. The management also seems like they have ADHD and cannot make up their mind on anything. The incessant ad hoc chattering and requests for things when there are already too many things to do really make me want to smash in someone's skull. 

I suppose the other side of it is that I still want to do things well. I still want to have some control of the work, not just for me, but for my team.

4. What is likely to happen to you if you kept going this way?

Some day I will burn out. If I continue just fueling myself on fumes, and the tasks just are allowed to balloon, then I will flame out. Eventually, I will just become so depressed and unpleasant to work with that I will have no choice but to go.

5. Are there any variations to this? What can you do that is more positive? 

Yes. I must accept that it is pretty pointless to communicate these feelings to anyone, and they won't somehow miraculously change and become better. What must happen is that the responsibility to keep the team's timelines not only rest with me, but with them as well. One way to do this is to get them to propose their own timeline if they want to take a project.

The other thing I could do would be to try some things that could help to make me more productive. For example, I can log my emails and group them so that there is less mental switching. I could also build deliberate periods of work and rest into my routine.

Lastly, perhaps take some pressure off yourself. You are human too and deserve to catch a breath every now and then. Have some balance in your life and do not let it be all about work. Experience tells me that this will improve both sides of life.

Ah. Lego X-men. So expensive but I must still have.