Ramblings and questions

Today, I face an uphill climb again. I spent the whole day watching cartoons and doing mundane chores. I wonder what my next project should be. Should I take something old out to polish? Or should I just do something new? Should I do a long project that is tedious but beautiful? Or should I do something fast and easy but just filler practice. I wait in anticipation for a job offer to come. And yet I am fearful that it will never arrive. It is difficult to see far ahead when you are worrying about what your next step will be. Maybe you are good but people can't see it. And if they can't, then how can you show them? What if it really isn't you? Could it be that Singaporean are so conditioned to accept "normal" that they cannot accept you? Is the only way out to join a chain gang of slave zombies, breaking their backs for a clueless boss? I sit here and wonder how I can contribute. I sit here and think who is the best "me" I can be. Am I condemned to be poor because of my idealism? Or have I lost so much of the plot that I am merely delusional? Or what is the point anyway? It has been 10 fucking years before I knew it and I feel like I need to start again. Perhaps another 10 will pass as quickly, then another 10. Before long I will be dead and it won't matter any more. Perhaps I am wasting my life by trying not to waste it. Argh!!! This thing called life... So tedious and rancid.