Ghosts from the past

I have not been in touch for my feelings for a long time now. It seemed pointless. Initially, I had to consciously bury them and eventually, I forgot that they were ever there. Some times, something will just suddenly appear to trigger them again. Yesterday, something did. I keep telling myself love is illogical because humans are ultimately not trustworthy. And yet there is a deep hope within me that I will find someone to love and trust eventually. I look at myself and how far I have fallen. I look at how many opportunities I have wasted and how I keep living in this phase of waking sleep. It ain't so bad to drift in a dreamscape once in a while. It ain't normal that it has persisted for years. I suppose I can understand the value of suffering now. It really does build character. It does if you don't break. It does teach you to appreciate your situation when it gets better. But it must get better. Otherwise all this pain and waiting is useless.